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FUNi Rant Power(man) 5000!  Protect Anime Rush!


by Gen F.

Note: As long as it's done well, pointing out FUNi's mistakes never gets old!

Hello, my slaves.  I know you watch my DBZ dub like Muslims read the Koran.  You watch my DVD's five times a day, your shrines to Chris Sabat face Texas, and each of you, at least once, is invited to make a pilgrimage to FUNimation studios!  And if you DON'T watch the dub, you are subject to my DVD's, at $6.66 an episode (Yes, if you think I put the mark of the beast there by mistake, you're wrong!  Speaking of "Mark of the Beast", I'm gonna play some Iron Maiden when Gohan turns SSJ2)!  Yes, this is true, since my Number Two man, commonly known as Number Two ... or Brian Real, liquidated all the fansubbers!  Mu ha ha ha ha ha!  You can't stop me now Mr. Powers!

Anyway, I have compiled a list of new animé that I will butcher like the Manson family butchered Chris Sabat's grandma.  Sure, it's expensive to pay for a man's therapy, but who cares when it makes your Vegeta sound SOOOOO evil?  But I digress.  Since I can't stop my torture of the loyal otaku, or my brainwashing of Stupid Americans, I have put on my quazi-futuristic clothing and selected more animé other than DBZ, Yu Yu, and Blue Gender.  And they are

Hentai Breasts super ichi ban 2: Galaxy in Danger!  Hiroshima DNA contamination Penis mutants of future strike
I think this is a great choice for FUNimation.  With 96 total episodes in the original Japanese run, we can cut this down to a 75 minute OVA!  I've already called up Lou Bega, and we're gonna get Shunki Levy to Remix Mambo No. 5 for a 75 minute background!  You'll be in heaven!

Gundam X
Since this is already a great show by FUNi standards, we'll just add Cindy voicing Tifa, and Chris doing everyone else!  Oh, and no blood.  Also, we'll have to draw in a few parachutes for the millions of people who live on the space stations ... but that won't be hard!

Neon Genesis Evangelion
Well, Brian popped this tape in while I was dabbling in the Frisky FUNi Fellatio Fest.  I mean, perform fellatio once and you're a poet, twice and you're a homosexual. I remember once I was being fisted by my little "friend" Chris Sabat-but here's where the story gets interesting. He was lactose-intolerant. He could eat red meat all night long, but one sip of milk and it was gastric hell. And I remember we were caught in fragrance delicto by Master P., and you can imagine my humiliation at having P hear me say, "Vegeta, no teeth." Anyway, I loved this show, and I thought the tape quality on the fansub Brian stole from Animé labs was good enough to distribute it commercially.  But I thought I was the only person on earth smart enough to understand EVA ... not even Stephen Hawking would get it.  So I started chopping it for a Cartoon Network movie.  Brian saved the day, though, and showed my EVA: Death.  We changed the title screen to "Rock the Evangelion", edited out the classical music and put in "They Might Be Giants", and played "Baby, one more time" where "Ode to Joy" used to be.  You guys will really love this one!

Dr. Slump
Want to know want's better than Dr. Slump's humor?  Preschool jokes!  So when Arale makes a comment about human excretions, I changed it to "Why was six afraid of seven?  Because seven eight nine!"  See, it's a PUN!  I love myself!  And when Toriyama appears in the series, I'll voice him, so the American fans are sure to remember who REALLY created Dragonball.

Watashi-wa slutty!  Fun Fun Tokyo!
Well, the bonding of the girls in this animé is great, and so is the bondage!  This great film mixes live action with FUNimation, and this is the first film my wife was in!  I'll just crop the pictures to show only the heads of the girls ... their jobs will be turning the pumps at a place where they store milk!  See, by turning really hard pumps, I'll have an excuse for the "GRRRR"  "UGHHH" and "AHH!  OH YEAH!  I'M DONE!" sounds.  And since they're at a milk pump place, the white stuff on their faces will be milk!  Aren't I cool?

Nature Gods of Forest use Star Wars Force!  It penetrates all life and Pussies!
I loved this one when I was a kid.  Chris Sabat and I got a lot of ides from this flick.  Luckily, The Sex Pistols play for about a minute at the beginning as a dear runs outside Sex Forest! So, instead of translating this, I'll just make a new DBZ theme song!

Well, that's about it for today!  Have fun, and remember: $6.66 per episode equals demonic obedience!